There is silence, and then there is silence. Silence, like when you come home from a hectic day at work, and you sit down on the sofa, and the lights aren’t even on. You can take a deep breath. Collect your thoughts.Start to feel relaxed, and ready to start your evening at home. Ah, silence. How I miss you, old friend!
Now, silence, is rarity. A true moment to be treasured, a gem in this hectic time in my life as småbarnsförälder. A time in my life where, at the moment, silence only ever happens and graces the insides of these for walls on precious few occasions. For instance, the hold my breath moment, when Lily stops crying for that split second longer, to take a bigger gasp of air, only to start howling again. In that miniscule amount of time, I cling to the feeling of exaltation, the incredibly short moment of awe, that makes me think that ” yes! it worked- what ever I did, it worked!” .
Every parent knows that babies cry. We know that crying is their only way of communicating. We know that it can take a while to get to recognise baby’s cries for what they are; hunger, boredom, tiredness. I seem to, at the minute, know an awful lot of things. After all, I am a second time mother! Been here, done that, yadda yadda yadda. But sometimes, it seems you can know an awful lot of stuff, and still be clueless.
This is where I find myself. Clueless. What more can I do? What more can I try? What, what, what?! My nerves are frayed, my mood all over the place,and I am no where near the blissful state of motherhood that I “should” be finding myself in. But then, show me someone who does, and I can show you a liar. I dont know of anyone who lives like that. Maybe I have been blessed with good, honest and real friends. Not one, has ever made me feel like I am less of a mother than they are. I have only ever gotten support when I needed it, not criticism or been spoken down to. Thank you.
Sorry about this long post, of mostly just feelings spat out in an attempt to understand them a little better myself. I may have painted a darker picure of my life, than how it really is. Yes, I am finding things hard at the moment, I have times that I cry just as much as what Lily does, usually at the same time which makes the feeling of wortlessness feel x10 , but that is just how it is. I wonder what it is that I am NOT doing, which is making, what seems to me, my little Lily so unhappy?
I am sitting here now, teary eyed as I am writing. And I am smiling. I am thinking of Christmas day, sitting on the ktichen floor, and playing with Lily & hearing her laughing. It was the first proper belly chuckling moment with her, her entire body shaking with giggles ❤ Moments like these are what I need to be reminded of, and allow myself to feel again, when things get on top of me. And like this morning, both girls stripped to their nappies as they have temperatures, Maia going to get a book and plonking herself next to Lily and reading to her. If that isnt a moment to lift a mothers spirits I dont know what is =). Unfortunately though, Maia then managed to trap Lily’s legs that set off the next hour or so of crying until she had her bottle and fell asleep in my arms lol, but what can you do 😉 ?
Christmas pics & update to come, once I feel more cheery. If you are still reading, hope you dont feel you wasted too much of your time :P.
Baby blues, baby blues, go away! Come again
another day. NEVER!